Oh it's getting crazy .....I don't want to hurt my baby. And I know it's suppose to be the last time for you and I but let’s not end this way, let’s wait another day. I don’t want to let you go so I just can't let her know. She don’t have to know. I know you're doing the same thing too and he don’t have to know - “She Don’t Have To Know” by John Legend
You know the story. Jack meets Kate. Jack dates Kate. Jack meets Juliet. Jack fucks around with Juliet while still with Kate. Why is it that we have such a hard time focusing our attention on one person? Though I’ve never been in Jack’s shoes (well, that one time doesn’t count), I’ve known quite a few people like him. Me personally, I like to just focus all my energy on one person. Dealing with more than one person requires too much time that I don’t have to waste. I’m a firm believer that if I’m feeling someone like that then there is no reason for my attention to be elsewhere. I’m not trying to divide my time and heart between two and three people. I guess you can attribute that to the fact that I know what I want. Too many people fall back on that bullshit of an excuse that goes something like “well I’ve been hurt in the past” or “I’m not ready for a relationship just yet”. Being hurt in the past is a valid reason for you to be cautious about entering into something serious with another individual. I get that. But don’t use that as your crutch for wanting to entertain other options while you are with someone else. I’ve been fortunate to experience love a few times in my life. In those relationships, I was content. I wasn’t out looking for the next best thing. Granted those individuals weren’t perfect, I loved them flaws and all. Oftentimes, people go out looking for that perfect mate. Because Juliet offers Jack something that Kate can’t does not make it okay for him to fool around with her too. We must understand there is no perfect partner. As someone just reminded me the other day, there are going to be times when you are not happy in your relationship. Each relationship is going to be challenged with arguments, trust issues, and other barriers. If you feel like you’re not able to work through those issues then bounce. Don’t inflict emotional pain onto someone else just because you can’t control your libido. Unlike Badu, maybe I don't understand the game. So again I ask the question: why do we have such a hard time focusing our attention on that one person? Is it a control issue? Perhaps it’s fear of commitment. Help ya boy understand. In the meantime, just remember Karma is a BAD BITCH!!!
Adonis
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Like you stated I think it all falls back to knowing what you want. I'm gonna try make this short and to the point. Yes relationships has problems but you deal with it by communicating with each other and be honest with each other no matter what. Starting something while you're still involved with someone only leads to more heartache and pain so deal with the first situation before moving into a new one; a lot less confusion and inner turmoil. It's not fun being lead on by someone and take too much time and energy doing it..just be honest from the get go. (sorry didn't proof read this, tired from reading lol)
ReplyDeleteI remember watching family matter one day and "eddie" liked this girl but his friend didn't think she was that cute so "eddie" tried to hide his feelings and gave the girl the cold shoulder. Finally "Eddie" woke up and told his friend "If you keep looking for the float with miss america on it, the whole parade will pass you by"
ReplyDeleteThat was years ago but I always remember the significance of those comments. We continually gothrough life looking for our miss America, and mess up relationships looking for that perfect being when in reality all of us were created with some type of imperfection. You also commented on moving on when you are no longer feeling someone. I'm paraphrasing of course. To me that's a little difficult especially if you admire the person, but don't really want to be in relationship with them. But in the same vein you don't want to hurt them so it's difficult to get out. I know what you are saying you are hurting them more by staying. But it's just a reality. I have a few more points but I will only give one and reserve the other for later.
But there was a saying what it took to get your woman/man you gotta to do the same thing to keep her/him. In relationships we become complacent and don't want to stay on our A game. I'm just saying keep me focused!
The Aristocrat
Q:Why do we have a hard time focusing on one person? A: Personally, I feel that most people are wired to cheat, and those who aren't are statisical outliers. With that being said, would it be more benefical to enjoy a short period of happiness (1-5 years), with separation being the end result or experiencing no happiness at all?..JUST A TOUGHT......
ReplyDeleteI will be a 26 y/o man in a little over a month with very little experiences in dating. I have never been in love or been in any type of relationship. If I happen to stumble across that person that could be the one someday, I fear that I might not be emotionally or mentally prepared to match what that person has to offer. I don't understand what it takes to sustain a relationship like some of the other posters, but I do believe that you have to be in a place in your life where you are ready to commit yourself solely to that one person 100%.
ReplyDeleteI really like the quote "If you keep looking for the float with miss america on it, the whole parade will pass you by" It is very true, but at the same point I don't want to feel like I'm settling for less than what I want just so I don't feel lonely anymore. Hearing the crazy stories about living the bachelor life and dating, I'm kind of curious to explore promiscuity just a little. I feel like if I know what's out there and "got it out of my system," I could appreciate having one person in my life much more.
12:31,
ReplyDeleteWhat makes you think that most people are wired to cheat? Interesting.
I admit, I have issues settling down with one person. My hesitancy comes from me always being able to get what I want. I think this dates back to college. Being part of a frat made it very easy to get what I wanted. I'm sure you all can read between the lines. I really think that played a big part in shaping my desire to knock down as many chicks as I can. Now when I'm in relationships, I still have that wandering eye. I try not to, but am led by the wrong head.
This is a cool idea. I'm looking forward to see the direction in which this goes. Don't let me down Que and Adonis. We need more serious, discussion driven sites like this.
I do believe that 95% of men do cheat. When you grow up as a little boy you want to be with that special woman; as time go on women start to treat you different. When a man or boy get into a relationship he feels committed but sometime it take that one person to fuck it all up. No one man can tell me, that a man can't decide if he want to settle down on his on. Most guys stay in relationship do too. 1. There may be a kid in play that make the person stay.
ReplyDelete2. They feel obligated to stay do to some history in there relationship.
3. She's good to him but can't satify his every need.
4.He's been hurt in past relatonship and can't get over it.
5. Their just a plan ass dog period point blank and never will change not for anyone.
6. The love and passion for the person and that will be your 5%.
When it comes to dating...I personally like to multi-task but it usually ends up with me being confused but extremely satisfied. Dating should be like a party sampler...once decided you should then order main dish.
ReplyDeleteI want to address some of the points that Adonis made in his post....
ReplyDeleteAdonis: Why is it that we have such a hard time focusing our attention on one person?
Me: I don’t feel we have a hard time focusing on one person until the honeymoon period dies. Then we start wondering if the grass is greener somewhere else. I also feel like when we do start to lose focus it’s because we have a need that is not being met and many times we fail to communicate what that need is and expect the other person to automatically know. When the honeymoon period is over we stop wearing sexy panties and expensive perfume and getting our hair done all the time and vice versa. Then we start to see each other’s flaws better. Society has all this bullshit advertisement about how to make everything perfect; hair, face, body, house, car, sex, behavior, your smell, your furniture, your children, your spouse, etc Nothing and no one on this earth is perfect, but we forget that part about ourselves first.
Adonis: Dealing with more than one person requires too much time that I don’t have to waste. I’m a firm believer that if I’m feeling someone like that then there is no reason for my attention to be elsewhere.
Me:Dealing with more than one person can be time consuming because often times everyone wants that same time frame. I will agree that when you are feeling someone, even if your eyes or thoughts drift, they’ll quickly go back to the one you are feeling.
Adonis: Oftentimes, people go out looking for that perfect mate. I AGREE!
Me:Because Juliet offers Jack something that Kate can’t does not make it okay for him to fool around with her too. TRUE, but the question is: Did Jack tell Kate what he needed and she still didn’t deliver or did he not tell her and just go get it elsewhere? Of course I can never forget about the 80/20 in Tyler Perry’s movie. I THINK WE FORGET THAT SOMETIMES WE DON’T ALWAYS SATISFY OUR PARTNER’S EITHER!!!!
Adonis: We must understand there is no perfect partner. As someone just reminded me the other day, there are going to be times when you are not happy in your relationship. Each relationship is going to be challenged with arguments, trust issues, and other barriers. If you feel like you’re not able to work through those issues then bounce. Don’t inflict emotional pain onto someone else just because you can’t control your libido
Me: Although it may not be fair, sometimes it takes making a mistake like that to realize what you really have with your mate. We aren’t always taught how to work through things. We are shown when the going gets tough, get going, don’t stay and work through it.
Cheating is a very complicated issue. I've done it simply because I was angry. I've done it because I was paranoid. I've done it for the thrill. I've done it because I didn't care. But mostly, I've done it because I could. Either way, it was wrong and hurtful. And it hurt like hell every time it happened to me. I've grown and learned that (some) people are going to do whatever the hell they want to do...including seeking temporary comfort from places they ordinarily wouldn't. Perhaps there's a level of insecurity that resides in those of us who have "stepped out" in the past which propelled us to do something so horrible to the ones we love(d)...or maybe we're just selfish. Now, I know I can be faithful because I've done it before without a problem. But, there was always that "what if" factor lingering...
ReplyDeleteVirgo, you made some very valid points. I'm gonna need you to write a guest entry for us, lol.
ReplyDeleteWow....95% Chitown? Interesting. What percentage of women do you think cheat?
I realize that I'm late to the conversation but wanted offer a comment. I think that it is difficult to focus on one person because it affords less time to focus on one's self: i.e. one's own insecurities, vulnerabilities, distinguishing between needs vs. wants, raison d’être, etc. Committing to one person often lends itself to a deeper level of intimacy, which in turn allows the other person to learn you; the person behind the "mask that grins and lies". For some this is an untenable situation particularly if uncomfortable in one's own skin. So when a person is getting too close, the tendency is to push the person away under the guise that it is protecting the other person from undue harm. Ironically enough, this seemingly selfless act, can really be selfish in nature because it further pushes one away from knowing the most authentic self.
ReplyDeletePassing thought: It would be curious to know wonder what is the longest period of time that a person who prefers dealing with multiple people was actually single; single meaning not dealing with anyone by choice and not circumstance.
Love Lockdown King here once again. I'm late with this post too having just discovered the blog but had to comment on this nonesense...
ReplyDeleteMy mother said the most poignant words to me one day...It was like Maya Angelou reading one of her poems aloud...She said: "Baby, there ain't no ring on your finger..."
Classic. From my MOTHER!
But she had a point. Until there is a ring on a person's finger, symbolic or material, we are ALL single. Yeah, that's right, I said it and its true. Monogamy is just a concept. A concept that I actually do believe in, but a concept nonetheless. But there is a reason that people get MARRIED. It's to say, YOU ARE NOW OFFICIALLY OFF THE MARKET FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. If the same rules that apply to married people applied to people 'just dating', then why the hell do people bother getting married?!
I guess I'm from the old school...that older, less sensitive school...
Were the fictional Jack and Kate just dating? Or were they dating EXCLUSIVELY? There is a difference. Did they have the "monogamy talk"? Were they dating for weeks, months, years? Were they having problems? If it was still just in the first month or so, maybe Jack realized that they were not as compatible as they once thought, maybe Kate made him wait months for sex and discovered it was wack, or maybe Kate moved in with Jack and he found out she was a slob. Maybe Kate became distant, held out on sex, intimacy or time...I'm rambling, but the point of it was to say the devil is in the details...
Love is overrated...and you must always remember to lock love down. LOL